If it doesn't break your heart, it isn't love.

I want to keep up with my blog more. Sorry I haven't been posting much.

So I came across a little saying today that I have read before, but that has so much meaning to me currently. It says: "Love until it hurts. And then love some more." (I think it is Mother Teresa but I am not sure). I guess I don't think I have realized how prevalent this is until recently, especially with my relationship with Rob.

Love is hard. For me, it is something that has put my heart out there, on the line and vulnerable. I have shared parts of my life with him that I don't think I have shared with anyone else. And sometimes, I feel let down by him, one of the people I love most. And it hurts. Like hell. There is no denying that. But, even when it hurts to love, this quote so beautifully and simply call us to love more. To deny our personal interests, prides, pains and hurts, let go of them and release them to God, and embrace LOVE. To lay down our "lives." (1 John 3:16) This is really hard to fathom and to live out.

The fact that love is hard and heartbreaking reminds me of Jesus. Love is hard. Rob and I went over Jesus washing the disciples' feet and predicting the betrayal of Judas, Jesus' friend and disciple, in John 13. Wow. Judas has been with him for a long time now; they have formed a relationship and connection. Trust and love is fostered between them.

But Judas will betray Jesus. He will sell him out. And Jesus, in his perfection, knows this. But he does not choose to despise or hate Judas. He keeps loving him. Even though he is hurt by Judas, he still loves Judas. He washes his feet, showing humility and servanthood. He dips the bread and gives it to Judas, a sign of honor. He is deeply troubled by his prediction, hurt by the course of action his betrayer will take. But he puts away his best interests and focuses on Judas, what he needs to be able to see Jesus' love for him. Despite knowing Judas will betray him, leading to his painful crucifixion and death, Jesus LOVES Judas and this is shown through his actions. This is what love is.

This concept is displayed ultimately by Jesus' death on the cross. He died for us, bearing our burdens: our sins, our weaknesses, our pains and hurts. And this hurt like hell. Crucifixion is one of the most painful ways to die, as one is slowly being suffocated. Why did Jesus died? Love.

Today, Rob and I decided to do Bible study outside at Lake Artemesia. It was a beautiful day! We are studying John right now and today, we studied part of Lazarus' death, in John 11: 17 - 37. Mary and the other Jews are hurting over the loss of their brother, their friend. After seeing them weeping and grieving over Lazarus, Jesus is moved in spirit and troubled. Then, we see Jesus taking on a very human action: He weeps.

This is something really beautiful to me. Jesus weeps. Like Mary and the Jews, He meets us in our pains and our grief, understands and knows our hurts and emotions, has compassion and takes on our pains as His own. We know this because of this passage - Jesus experienced this in His human form. He is a God who is personal, interactive, who KNOWS us deeply.

This is the God we serve. This is the God we love.

The other day, I was walking down the hall with two of my students who have severe special needs. They were holding hands, because I gave them the direction to do so and to help each other down the hall. One student was walking a little faster than the other; he was paying attention and guiding the other down the hall. The other, who was kind of in his own world, was walking without really paying attention to his surroundings. He almost walked right into a wall (without my knowing); however, this was prevented because the other student puts his hand out in front of his face to somewhat guide him away from harm's way.

Things like this make me realize that God is working, even when we don't think He can. It makes me realize that He is bigger than the constraints and restrictions that society puts on people, that He continues to push the limits to show me cool new things about Himself. It also shows me that love knows no bounds.

In the midst of praying to see God more in school, I get this. :) Not only was it super cute, but I saw God in new and different ways.

Listening to: River, Herbie Handcock & Corinne Bailey Rae

Hi this is Rob! LOLOL

"I can hardly find the means for all the words I mean to speak, but still, this fire inside of me seems too much for me alone to keep."

Makes me want to cry because these lyrics are so beautiful and encompassing of a faith that cannot be contained!

I really miss sitting around, listening to music and reading lyrics.

Jesus loves me SO much. HE IS CRAZY ABOUT ME!

IT IS SO TRUE! It is overwhelming and hard to fathom sometimes (...okay, all the time!), and it is an amazing truth that I am often forgetful or negligent of, something that I don't realize enough.

The cross that Jesus hung on was difficult. That is to say the least. It was like dying slowly by suffocation - excruciatingly painful, as well as humiliating. People were hung by nails and left to be seen, mocked, and ridiculed by the public. Not only that, but think of all the spiritual and emotional battles that Jesus was going through. The perfect Lamb of God, God's SON, being punished for the sins of the world, of people who reject him daily, the burden of which were on his shoulders.

But Jesus endured this cross for the joy awaiting Him on the other side of the cross, something that He was aware of in his divinity, something no human would have seen or understood. What joy? US. We are His joy. He saw past the pain, the hurt, the suffering, the shame, the hostility that awaited Him and saw HOPE. He saw US. Every one of us. Each of our faces. We were worth the pain, the hurt, the suffering, the shame, the hostility, worth bearing the weight of the world's sin. We were worth every lash, every mocking/ridiculing statement, every nail being driven through his body, every second of hanging on the cross. He sees us as WORTHY to DIE for, so that our LIVES are SAVED when we believe. While we were sinners, backs turned against Him, He died for us.

There is so much more that I could say or that I am missing (the resurrection... I know), but I was greatly reminded of the awesome love of Jesus at Large Group last night. God is so GOOD, despite how much I turn from Him.

Listening to: Fence Riders, Jimmy Needham

I am unworthy. I am broken. I am sinful. I am prideful. I am selfish. I am unkind. I am unloving. I desire the approval of the world. I glory in my achievements, my qualities. I have priorities that are often mixed up.

But Jesus sees it otherwise -

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. (Jude 1:24-25)

Despite all these things that I am, things that I don't like, Jesus will present me to His Father without them, along with all my other faults, JOYFULLY. He presents me JOYFULLY. He takes JOY in presenting ME to the Father. ME - with all these qualities that do not please Him.
Furthermore, He keeps me from falling into these things that hold me captive, into death and destruction.

God is good. 

Oh, how He LOVES us!

"He is jealous for me,
loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
and I realize just how beautiful You are,
and how great Your affections are for me."

David Crowder's new song is good - later, it goes on to say, "So Heaven meets Earth like a sloppy wet kiss, and my heart turns violently inside of my chest. I don’t have time to maintain these regrets, when I think about the way He loves us."
I think the way Jesus loves me, how He loves humanity, is so beautiful and amazingly beyond words. To be washed clean of our sin, our affliction, and of past lives, to be beautiful and important and DEAR to our Father in heaven by the crucifixion and death of Jesus. It's crazy/beautiful/CRAZY how far He brings us when we do life with Him, that past lives/regrets are incomparable (and in a way, forgotten when we live life with Him) to the way He loves us, the new lives we have in Him. Grace is abundant. And clear.
I have huge lumps in my throat thinking about this. Oh, how He loves us.

P.S: Post about the summer to come.

I do not like the feeling of uncertainty in life, in plans. I like to know, even if it's bad. Sometimes, I feel like life is a dark room or tunnel and I am feeling my way through it blindly, not knowing where I am going.
Which brings me to my next point.
How awesome is it that the God I follow provides guidance and protection? That the God I follow knows me wholly and has the BEST intentions for me already planned out?
Pretty spectacular. :) And comforting.

Awesome, fun summer stuff God has blessed me with so far:
-Chapter camp (in-depth study of the 2nd half of Mark, volleyball, beach, NERTZ domination, star gazing)
-Lake Artemesia picnic date
-Hillsong United concert! Followed by sneaking into Byrd stadium
-Working at the co-op
-Gypsy's wedding
-Relaxation

Awesome, fun things I am looking forward to:
-Hopefully some fun concerts
-SUNSHINE!
-I'm turning 22.
-Teaching in DC in my very own classroom!
-Possible Assateague trip
-Possible BRLS visitor's day trip
-Dani comes to MD (July)
More adventures to be had.

Neat picture, compliments of that boy I'm dating.


Listening to: Breakable, Ingrid Michaelson

Late night musings...

I am coming to realize that I feel let down a lot. Maybe I just expect a lot out of people. I am sorry if I have put that pressure/standard on you.
But this makes me realize more and more that Jesus remains constant and good, even when the world does not feel so.
I am also coming to realize that I have big, big trust issues that are hard for me to let go of.

Listening to: Afterall, William Fitzsimmons